Workshops talking about men and their mental health.
I never thought I struggled with mental health issues. When I was younger, I was attracted started taking some light drugs, due to peer group influence, I didn’t think much about it. It was just something to relax me but then I found it was an easy way to numb me to feeling too much. I remember hating that feeling, I had when I felt not in control or when my Mum became ill. I felt not in control. I think now, my addiction was a symptom of not being able to deal with my emotions in a healthy way. There was no one at School, at home, anywhere that tells us what to do when feelings overwhelm you. There is no one talking about it. The drugs made me feel good. But then it was a vicious circle, the downers were awful. They were making me depressed so I had to keep at it. Then it was not me making a choice about it anymore
I started feeling, what I know depression, when I was studying for pharmacy. I graduated with honours. I was smiley and happy and full of life, I was super energetic and what may be considered ADHD. Nothing like someone struggling with depression. I can’t even say it was depression but I recall, every night feeling this uneasiness, pressure and deep sadness. I would cry alone at night but no-one would guess I was feeling this way. I looked the opposite of someone with mental health issues. So I know even if I told anyone about my state of mind – no – one would have taken me seriously. In the end not addressing my issues resulted in a downward spiral and severe issues of anxiety which I would mask all the time. I am still feeling this way. I feel uneasy even talking to you guys about this as it feels negative or a failing.
I don’t take sh*t from anyone. People try me but they need to know it is at their peril. I don’t forget those who cross me easily. I am a fighter no doubt, but I am fair too. I am loyal. I will never betray my friends. I acknowledge when I am wrong too. But I know I was a good Dad. My ex missus, is not allowing me custody and I feel Cafcass is biased. I am struggling at the moment with them. We men have no rights. They don’t give us the benefit of doubt. I want my daughter, I want to see her, I don’t want her to forget me. There is no where to talk about how to deal with these agencies or generally when men get knockmbacks. Women have so many services and men don’t get jack.
I am the kind of guy that is always helping others. The strong one, that’s what other people think but to be fair often I heel weak and helpless. I feel I get spasms of anxiety and get swallowed up by strong emotions. I am not surprised people take to drink, smoking or other stuff to mask those feelings. Like, I don’t think it is men against women and women get this or that. It is just these expectations are hard. The expectations are from men too. Like my Dad was hard and never spoke about his feelings and often looked at me wanting reassurance as weak, or even wanting to talk over things as weak. I think my relationship broke down, because I overwhelmed my wife with my needs. She was the person who I went too, who I talked to, who I needed. She, however, didn’t need me. She had her friends, her hobbies. I just had her. I think isolation and lack of connection can be very detrimental to Mental health. I want there to be a way to make these connections. I didn’t think that talking about feelings or reflecting on difficult things really helps. I found that the most useful in these workshops.
I don’t know if I always felt at odds with myself. No one understood me growing up. Looking back I think it was undiagnosed Autism. Autism was not a thing to look for when I was a child. I do think now this forcing me to act in a mainstream way contributed to my mental health. If there are no services for men generally, imagine what services there are for those with additional challenges. It feels like I am doubly impacted.
There is a lot of mental health issues in my family. My Uncle committed suicide a couple of years ago and my Mum has Schizophrenia. I don’t know if it is in our genes. I am interested knowing about these things, that’s why I am studying about it. I am probably the only one here who is on medication. I feel I was put on medication without looking at other ways my mental health could have been improved. I think it is good to have these groups – to find ways address our mental health. People know that food and exercise is something that affects our physical health but we don’t talk about Mental health wellness. For instance, I think learning meditation strategies would have really helped me to deal with difficult ways of coping..thinking. but these things are not taught at home. I understand what everyone else is saying too! I do think, we meed something when big events hits us, like separation, divorce those are biggies for mental health. Like big danger zones. Like when I broke up with my girlfriend, I felt like I was going under, mentally. Like there should be something at that stage because I read that men can feel suicidal during these times.
I have never felt depressed, I can honestly say that. Never. I have had lovely parents. No issues. I can deal with stuff. I feel there is nothing wrong with me. Yet, I know that will sound strange to a lot of people! I mean considering I actually did try to take my life. I think no one will actually understand that I felt it was a rational decision. I had lost my job, a great job actually, couldn’t afford the payments to my house so became homeless. Everyone was nice at first, offering me a place to stay but honestly, I could feel I was a burden to them. Then when I couldn’t get off it, I started to feel a burden to myself. Like I genuinely felt, genuinely, that I , and the world would be better off without me in it.